Something has changed in me. I am still unsure what it is exactly, or to what ends it will take me. One thing is for sure, life isn’t the same anymore.
For those that have read my post about some sad events in my life, i guess this is all to be expected. I am a Business Analyst by trade. Or at least, i was… Now i am simply showing up to work pretending to be one.
I have had enough. I really don’t care anymore. I think my current mood is akin to that of the protagonist in Fight Club. See, i seemingly had it all, a well paying job, a happy family, enough freedom to do as i pleased, within reason.
Then all that happened. I took six months off from work and the world. I drank a lot, i smoked a lot. You know what, i also LIVED a lot. If you put aside the alcohol abuse, i had a really great time spending time with my loved ones and getting more engaged with my life, and theirs, ours even.
Then i started a new job, my current one. Once again, i am a BA. But i am no longer the young, motivated, innovative person i once was. I have lost my passion for it. It isn’t like i am not capable, i just don’t care. I see no value in what i am doing, it gives me no satisfaction to be working again.
Don’t get me wrong, i am not about to stage a claim for a disability pension by any means. I intend to work.
I had an interview over my lunch break. At a supermarket of all things. Doing their invoices and crap, mind numbing data entry. You know what, i would rather do that. The interviewers were almost scared of me. After i explained to them that i have not worked with such a bunch of snobby, rich wankers in my life, they laughed. I explained i was fully aware i’d be taking a huge pay cut, but i am happy with that.
It means no late night phone calls, no trips away, no wearing a fucking tie to work.
I crunched some numbers recently, and realised that i don’t need this job. I don’t need to sit in an office making money for my boss so she can pay off her second tennis court.
Fuck it. I’m out. My life is more important to me than tangible assets and money. I was once a dread locked hippy with nothing more than a backpack. What the fuck am i doing wearing a tie?!?!?!
Yes, i’m ranting. I apologise. But really, i ask myself now, what is more important.
I have my answer. What is yours?