Am I a Murderer?

Odd thing to have to ask yourself isn’t it? Am i a murderer?

It’s a question i have asked myself many times over. It’s a question that nearly drove me to madness. It’s a question that i still can’t answer.

Once again, the ever inspirational blog, A Momma’s View, has prompted me to rant.

I left a my home, my state, my friends, my now so-called friends, my job, my life. Why? For many reasons. But there is one that gets to me.

Am i a murderer?

To be honest, some people look / looked at me like i am / was. It is a strange look, a hollow look. Like the blood has left all the layers of skin on their face, like they are a shell. The eye’s seem to be void of colour to me. They can talk, but i read between the lines.

“You asshole, you killed him.”

Perhaps it is just the guilt.

A man i considered my best friend for a time, my mentor. A man 30 years my senior, will now no longer talk to me. He thinks i am a murderer.

For those unsure as to where this all came about, here is an old post about it.

Honestly, it is starting to get to me again. The dreams are making a return. Which does not bother me that much, but bothers my partner. She does not know what to do sometimes when i am thrashing, sweating, screaming in a sleep so deep she can’t wake me from it. My bigger fear there is my little boy seeing that.

No doubt one day, i will have to explain it to him. I dread that day, what i will say plagues my mind.

I am ok though. Am i a murderer? Well, no, i’m not.

Am i responsible for his death? Well, no, but at least in part i am. It was my idea.

He was a better man than me. Sometimes i wish it was me. Honestly, i had a childhood of surfing, and being a stronger swimmer than him was all that mattered in the end.

It is such a hard thing to describe, the look. For your sake, i hope you never have to experience it.

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10 comments

  1. I think writing about your thoughts can do nothing but heal you. I, personally, do not believe you to be a murderer. However, I can see how you would feel so terrible. Keep trying to sort through these feelings, even if it takes a lot of time, all you can do is try.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wanna hug? PTSD is difficult to get to grips with, and some feelings never go away. But are you a murderer? No. You both choose to swim. He went in knowing the risks. It was chance how it turned out. The guilt you are feeling is the result of a sense of responsibility – fact is you didn’t have nearly as much control over the situation as you believe you did. And, well, could cross the road tomorrow and still be hit by a car even if you have looked both ways. Life’s a bitch sometimes. Mortality and the overwhelming sense of powerlessness hit us all at some point. For you it involved a croc; for me it involved a brain tumour.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t want to hit the ‘like’ button on this post because of the subject matter. You know I’ve read and commented on your previous post, so you know what I think. I also think you might be experiencing some PTSD (Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder). Have you ever considered that?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. In my eyes, after reading you previous post, you are not. He chose to swim, we all make terrible decisions at times, but some are not so lucky to escape consequences. It’s a really sad story, of course..

    Liked by 1 person

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