Odd thing to have to ask yourself isn’t it? Am i a murderer?
It’s a question i have asked myself many times over. It’s a question that nearly drove me to madness. It’s a question that i still can’t answer.
Once again, the ever inspirational blog, A Momma’s View, has prompted me to rant.
I left a my home, my state, my friends, my now so-called friends, my job, my life. Why? For many reasons. But there is one that gets to me.
Am i a murderer?
To be honest, some people look / looked at me like i am / was. It is a strange look, a hollow look. Like the blood has left all the layers of skin on their face, like they are a shell. The eye’s seem to be void of colour to me. They can talk, but i read between the lines.
“You asshole, you killed him.”
Perhaps it is just the guilt.
A man i considered my best friend for a time, my mentor. A man 30 years my senior, will now no longer talk to me. He thinks i am a murderer.
For those unsure as to where this all came about, here is an old post about it.
Honestly, it is starting to get to me again. The dreams are making a return. Which does not bother me that much, but bothers my partner. She does not know what to do sometimes when i am thrashing, sweating, screaming in a sleep so deep she can’t wake me from it. My bigger fear there is my little boy seeing that.
No doubt one day, i will have to explain it to him. I dread that day, what i will say plagues my mind.
I am ok though. Am i a murderer? Well, no, i’m not.
Am i responsible for his death? Well, no, but at least in part i am. It was my idea.
He was a better man than me. Sometimes i wish it was me. Honestly, i had a childhood of surfing, and being a stronger swimmer than him was all that mattered in the end.
It is such a hard thing to describe, the look. For your sake, i hope you never have to experience it.