The Origin of the Child Leash

Seems to be quite the hot topic with a lot of parents. To leash, or not to leash. Fuck’s sake, some kids I see running wild could also use a matching mussel, perhaps Hello Kitty will bring out a range for Christmas this year. One can only hope.

In all seriousness, I am not a fan of the leash. I don’t even really like to tether the dog, but have no choice as she isn’t quite as up on the English language as our 4 year old human.

After reading some rant today on Facebook about a child of a leash I got to thinking about the lighter side of child abuse. One of the posts was carrying on about some old lady pulling a kid along like it was a resentful pug unwilling to take a bath. Disgusting to say the least. Another post started raving on about how we have not needed leashes for children in the past, so why all of a sudden do we need them now.

Hold that thought….. Have you ever asked yourself the question: What is the origin of the child leash?……

If not then never mind, I did all the work for you. Turns out there is actually some kind of circa 1990 style HTML homage to the history of restraining your toddlers. From what I have determined, this whole leash business started early in the 17th century, perhaps late 16th century. (Although this website makes note of telling us they have found no evidence in the 16th century yet).

Take a look at this baby. It is a painting of a young Louis XV with a child leash on. I highly doubt the leash is of any consequence that young Louis pictured here would turn out to be
known as Louis the Beloved, but perhaps being restricted to a one meter radius around his caregiver  fostered a sense of empathy.

Hell, good enough for the French, good enough for… ummm…. Just don’t bind your child folks, it isn’t a dog.

Oh yeah, after almost a year without so much as a whisper on the blog, I am back. 🙂

Dinner Time Science and Vegetarians

The little guy has been on a vegetarian crusade for a few months now. Sausages excluded. According to toddler logic, sausages are actually vegetables. Sure, I know you can get vegetarian sausages, but to be honest I prefer my meals newspaper free.

Anyway, we were eating dinner the other night and we got to the meat issue once again. Got to say I almost felt like I was being mocked, we had been cooking a boneless lam roast in the BBQ for the last four hours, it was delicious. To us perhaps.

‘I don’t like the meat’

He says, before even having a bite. He is not usually a fussy eater by any means, but the additional chewing effort and texture of meat has just turned him off. Fair enough I guess. We are actually at a point where we allow him to chew pieces up, ‘turn them into sausage’ and spit them out. Bit of a compromise, but it is a start.

A few days previous to this occasion, I was explaining to food pyramid to him. Not to much success, but it is better to start early right? Went through a few foods he knew and explained where they fit. ‘You need to eat a balance of these because it’s good for you. That kind of stuff.

Ok, back to the lamb. My partner must have had a burst of inspiration, and in that moment explained meat contained iron. The little guy has an obsession with superheros at the moment, Ironman in particular.

Well, Ironman is made of iron. Meat has iron in it, if you want to be big and strong like Ironman, you should eat your meat.

Seemed like a valid enough idea. He took to it, kind of. We then went into a bit of a science lesson, why the fuck not. Tony Stark would have been pleased had he been there.

I explain how iron is in a thing called the periodic table of elements, and they make up everything. But they are so small we can’t see them.

‘They are like little tiny legos, everything is made of little elements, like legos’. The partners analogy was superb I think. 🙂

‘But if you look really close, you could see them’

He returns, ok we are going there. I then explain what a microscope is, and say maybe when he is a little older we can have a look at one. ‘Just like your toy pirate telescopes, but they look at little things instead.’

Don’t think we have won the meat battle, but the science crash course was good for a laugh. Who knows, he might absorb something. 🙂

Insulted by a Toddler v2.0

Such is life, I used to be a pretty active person. I have never felt the need to step foot in a gym, but we both joined the local gym last year. True to form, neither of us have been yet. (6 months later)

I did make a news years resolution to go to the gym. But this is still yet to eventuate. I am pretty happy with how I am, but you know, I miss the physical activity and I do feel it. Life just gets in the way as I’m sure you all know.

Our toddler, in all his wisdom managed to insult me again the other day. I am starting to think he does it on purpose.

So, I was getting dressed for work in the morning. He was in our bedroom with the dog, going about their usual morning routine. Now, I am the kind of person that can’t be ass’ed un-clipping my belt, un-zipping my pants etc, I just pull the bastards up and be done with it. As I begin to wriggle into my pants, he begins to laugh.

‘Dad, your butt’s jiggly’

‘It’s like jelly’

Of course, met with laughter from my partner. The fuck kid, did you just call me fat?!?

Once again, insulted by the 3ft tall midget.

Time to make good on that new years resolution…… My butt looks like jelly, god damn.

There will likely be a lesson for him out of this. Something along the lines of…. NEVER SAY THAT TO YOUR MUM dude… 🙂

Handling Toddler Tantrums – Soothing the Savage Beast

Tantrums are just a part of the deal when it comes to toddlers, and kids in general. We are lucky enough to have a pretty ‘good’ kid. Or so I’m told by my partner. Honestly, I have no experience with kids other than our one, so I take her word for it.

Dealing with a tantrum can be difficult. But, after this long I was pretty sure we had it down pat. A year or so ago it was much easier, but with increased mobility, vocabulary and attitude, it gets harder I think. Either way, he is generally pretty chilled, and rarely gets into full swing. In all honesty, I had seen him go maybe twice in a year.

Up until about three weeks ago.

There has been a lot of change in our house in recent times. Toddlers, like most humans, seem to be resistant to change. Maybe resistant is not the right word, but if you have one you know what I mean. A simple break in routine can cause unforeseen issues, or create a strange habit that wasn’t there before. I find it rather interesting how dramatically they can be effected by what appears to be such a small thing to us grown ups. Anyway, coupled with some changes at home, he has also just started pre-school. Exciting times.

Pre-school is more for the sociability aspect. He does not get a lot of time with kids his age, mainly cousins older than him and adults. Which is all good, but I notice when we do take him to a toddler dominated environment, he is a bit hesitant. With pre-school we hope that will be addressed as he moves through life and into big school. 🙂

Anyway, back on point. Around three weeks ago, the tantrums started happening more frequently. So be it, we can deal with that. Although, something was different, they had this odd, almost violent streak to them. The screaming, the general behaviour, not like the usual stuff. This had us both understandable worried, and at the same time scratching our heads.

Is there something wrong?
Once again, as parents in our generation seem to do, we turn to the internet once again. Surely, we are not the only ones. Well, this activity kind of raised more questions than it answered. We are both discuss the toddler times pretty actively all the time, and this one had us both searching for a solution/answers. Was something wrong?

A while ago, prior to all this going on the tantrums were getting a little more frequent. So we sat down with him one day and discussed what his ‘punishments’ should be for said behaviour. My partner has always said giving him choices is a good thing. To which now I tend to agree, I think it works well giving him some control over what goes down. Anyway, the rules were set and agreed:

1. He says sorry. If the behaviour continues, move to 2.
2. He goes to his room for a short time out.
3. If he refuses to go to his room, he is taken. And must stay a little longer.

Pretty simple stuff really, but it has been effective. Should note, ‘sorry’ means he must also explain WHAT he is sorry for.

These rules were not helping with these new age tantrums. Nothing was. He once screamed and banged on the wall etc for a good 25-30 minutes. Something had to be done.

We filmed him
Much to his distaste, we filmed him going off at full pace. Later on when he had calmed down, we showed it to him. ‘That’s not me’ he said. I think even he was a little shocked at his rage. I am pretty confident making him aware was a good step.

The Glitter Jar
Pinterest had paid off again. My partner found ‘the glitter jar.’ Designed for such uses as time out, with a spin. So one day while I was at work, they got to making one. It is simply a clear plastic jar with glitter glue and water inside. The principle is the same as an hourglass.

When he is raging, he goes to his room and shakes the jar. (bit of physical outlet) Then sits there and watches the glitter float around. When it stops, it is time to come out again.

He is a little resistant to it, but when he has used it the effect is great. Watching it soothes him, and I think being able to shake it, and have the jar as his own, still gives him control over SOMETHING. When he is no longer able to control his emotions.

For Now
For now, it is back to ok. We have also made a conscious effort to avoid things that set him off, good old misdirection etc. But at least for now, the mean streak is gone. I know it won’t be for good, but we shall see.

I think giving your kid something of their own, that they alone control, helps. The jar is a simple solution, but seemingly effective.

How do you calm down the raging beast?

Shit Tony Abbott Says #4

Tony Abbott, the gift that keeps on giving has had a pretty good week. This week, the flavour has been the standard idiocy, with a side of mutiny. We (Australia) almost lost our beloved, the honourable, Tony Abbott.

This one is just too easy, but I can’t resist.

“Good Government starts today”

Wow dude… For the international readers, you need to realise that he has been Prime Minister since September 2013….. But never fear, as per Tony’s claim, we have now had almost five business days of ‘good government.’ What a DICKHEAD.

In addition to this weeks instalment, an idea raised by fellow blogger from ‘A Momma’s View‘ this week I am opening the floor to you guys. It is just so hard keeping up with this moron that I am requesting your help.

Depending on how it goes, I would like to introduce ‘Shit Tony Abbott Says‘ as a static page on the blog. If you have some favourites, or would like to contribute on a weekly basis, please head over to the contact page and submit your quotes.

If all goes well and we have some interest, I will post your quote/s weekly with a link back to your blog and/or other. Although, I do ask that you reference where you got the quote if you can. 🙂

Christians Against Dinosaurs

Poor T-Rex can’t catch a break. bastardised for his taste in food, given small, useless arms and now being attacked by Christianity.

Yep, this exists. There is also a Facebook page called ‘Christians Against Dinosaurs.’ I couldn’t help but laugh. Check this link too for a best-of collection. 🙂

Last night, my partner showed me a post from a concerned mother ranting about the impact dinosaurs are having on her children. Dinosaurs are evil, apparently.

So, true to Christian form, she burned her children’s dinosaur toys at the stake. Well, stake not included, but you get the idea. She burned them good and proper. Need to make sure they don’t come back to life right, a dinosaur zombie apocalypse is the last thing we need. Better pray on that tonight.

In all honesty, I apologise to any of you who are religious, I don’t mean to offend you. But seriously, what did dinosaurs ever do to Jesus? Or is ‘dinosaur’ really a codename for Jews?

Either way, wow, there are people out there who debate the existence of dinosaurs. Fuck man, to quote the late great Bill Hicks, ‘I think you were put here to test my faith dude.’

You may also be happy to know, like I was, that there is a somewhat dinosaur revolution going on against their oppressors. Another Facebook group exists, ‘Dinosaurs Against Christianity.’ I am now a member of it to show my support for the T-Rex’s noble cause. That is, the right to be recognised as a legitimate part of history… Just like Jesus is… Umm no, sorry bad joke.

To all the dinosaur skeptics out there, let me make one thing clear. There is NOTHING in the Bible that says Jesus WAS NOT a raptor. Nothing, not one piece of evidence. He may very well have been a raptor, or maybe a T-Rex. Or maybe just a religious allegory for the ‘sun’. Who knows. Just throwing it out there.

Viva La Dinosaur’!!!

The Book With No Pictures – Why So Serious?

‘It might seem like no fun to have someone read you a book with no pictures.’

My partner’s creative internet trolling has once again produced the goods. A while back, she showed me a YouTube clip about a kids book called ‘The Book With No Pictures.’ The clip shows the author BJ Novak (from The Office) reading the book to a large group of primary school kids. After watching it, we simply had to find this book.

About a week ago we stumbled upon it in a local store. Awesome, it was snaveled up quickly with excitement.

Our little man had his first taste that afternoon. We usually take turns reading to him, but mum has been the flavour of the month for a few months now so I have been sitting on the sidelines. So, she read it to him. And then, I read it to him. And then, she read it to him before bed. And then, nanny read it to him. And then, well, you get the idea.

This book is amazing. What a fantastic idea. Given, it does require a certain level of commitment by the reader so the words have full effect, but it is more than worth it. At one point in the book you ask, ‘Can I stop reading now?’, this is met with a resounding NO by the little man.

What makes that resounding NO so awesome is, the book actually anticipated, and printed ‘NO’ immediately after the question. The book has a unique way of engaging kids, although we have not yet seen the results, but I do think it is a good way to introduce reading words. NO he says, look dude, it says NO here too, and so on.

Critical analysis of children’s books is not really my thing, but I will frain a guess that by removing pictures for our little one tracked minded friends, the enjoyment of the actual ‘story’ is much more effective. Sure, we read kids novels to him at times, but they lack the simplistic humour that The Book with No Pictures has. truly brilliant.

If you have not already done so, please go check it out. 🙂

Hey guys, What is Fisting? – Cards Against Humanity with a Pre-Teen

We must be getting old, something I tell myself more and more in recent times. Last year, we went out for a few drinks, only to return home with some friends about half an hour later to play Monopoly instead.

I used to enjoy going out, when I was in my early twenties’ I was out most weekends, now I look around and think, damn, I am ten years older than the median age here…. Time to go.

On that note, my partner and I decided to start a monthly games night at our place. We both love our board games, card games and that sort of thing, and a few of our friends also do. What we all have in common is not having fun standing around a bunch of drunk teens at the pub. Times have changed.

A few weeks ago we had one such night. However, we also had my sister-in-laws son over for the night. He started high school this year, I for one think he is far too innocent to be in high school. Time for an education…

So the sister-in-law drops him off that afternoon, and we mention we are having some people over to play a ‘card game’. Said game is commonly known as ‘Cards Against Humanity‘. For those of you that know it, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. For those that don’t, at this point in this post you need to answer the following questions:

1. Are you easily offended / do you take offence to bad, bad, humour? If so, please stop reading. Now.
2. Are you religious? If so, please stop reading. Now.

Well, we did the responsible thing and told her that we would be playing this game. My partner said something along the lines of, ‘we will put a movie on for the kids, he shouldn’t be playing this’….

Hah… I answer, ‘Nah, he will be fine’. On that note, sister-in-law gives the go ahead to let him play.

What a fucking night this was.

Our friends come around and we order pizza for dinner. Then, the game comes out. The pre-teen, currently in that point of life where he is torn between being a kid, and joining the adults, comes running over to sit next to me. Curious as to what this game was, and how to play it. We explain that the idea is to make the most offensive and / or rude statement you can from the cards you are given.

He opts to sit a few hands out. A few hands later, I am pretty sure he thought we were all speaking a different language. I finally get him confident to play, get him his hand of cards, and off we went.

In the next few hours, I couldn’t stop laughing. For a few reasons. Below are some of the questions to come from his mouth, all in a period of about ten minutes:

1. What is fisting?
2. What is incest?
3. What is double penetration?

At this point, please do not forward this post on to child protective services. Come on, he is in high school, if he does not know what fisting is, he will soon, and will know a lot worse than that. Can’t tell you how funny and awkward having to answer some of these questions was. Great times.

There is also another good reason to play Cards Against Humanity with a pre-teen. They manage to pick awesome cards, and read them out without actually understanding what they mean, or how funny they are.

Well yes, I may be going to hell now. I figure, if I am, I may as well stake a claim for the presidential suite. If you like a good laugh, and can take a joke, I recommend getting this game. It should also be reiterated, the goal is to offend, what comes out is not an accurate representation of anyone’s way of thinking. No burning crosses etc at our place.

Shit Tony Abbott Says #3

Leadership this, leadership that…. Who gives a shit? To me it matters not which Liberal asshole leads us, for more on that, try Google, any newspaper and/or radio station in Australia right now.

This weeks instalment is not exactly a quote as such, but it does come from a joint press release from Tony Abbott and Attorney General George (fuckwit) Brandis.

I mentioned in my rant about the Martin Place Incident that the government would use this as a catalyst for pushing it’s Orwellian Data Retention and so-called Anti-Terrorism laws. Guess what, I told you so. If you have not read that post, please keep in mind, data retention would have achieved nothing, the Police knew the gunman well, and let him walk on several occasions.

Anyway, Here is a list of dot points taken from the press release. A link to the full document here. Pretty scary shit. Remember, anything you’ve ever said, typed or browsed can and will be used against you.

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The legislative measures include:

• Broadening the listing criteria for terrorist organisations to ensure advocacy of terrorist acts is not limited to specific acts and that advocacy captures promotion and encouragement of terrorism;
• Making it easier to arrest terrorists by lowering the threshold for arrest without warrant for terrorism offences;
• Ensuring ASIO can access its questioning and detention powers beyond July 2016 (when they are scheduled to expire under current legislation) and that the AFP can continue to access control orders and preventative detention orders (powers which are scheduled to expire in December 2015);
• Extending AFP stop, search and seizure powers in relation to terrorist acts and offences beyond December 2015;
• Improving the ability of the AFP to seek control orders on returning foreign fighters;
• Making it easier to prosecute foreign fighters, including by making it an offence to travel to a designated area where terrorist organisations are conducting hostile activities unless there is a legitimate purpose;
• Clarifying that it is an offence to participate in any way in terrorist training; and
• Enabling ASIO to request suspension of an Australian passport (or foreign passport for a dual national) in appropriate circumstances.

Stickin’ it to The Man

In a previous post, I mentioned how I was feeling about my current work situation. Suffice to say, I was/am well over it.

After a lot of thinking, I decided to apply for enrolment back into University. It has been many years since I have studied, so this was a big decision. Not to mention the financial aspect, we will all have to tighten the belt just a little bit.

I handed in my resignation today. Feels so good. See, I lost my passion for my line of work some time ago. To be honest, I really don’t see any value in it anymore other than the money. Hence, a change in direction was required.

In two weeks time I begin my journey to become a High School teacher for English and History. Pretty excited I must say. Teaching is something I had always considered, but have never had the balls to jump in the deep end and get on with it. The time has come.

That’s it for now. My apologies to you all as I have been busy with real life, I have not been giving much love to the blog over the last few weeks. Stay tuned for more. 🙂